Hi there. Basically this post is a letter to myself so I can keep my head and heart straight back in the game called life. 2019 started with a good vibe. I have left all the bad things, the painful past and everything else that hurts me in the past years. Starting up slowly, one day at a time, though my depression and anxiety problem still kicks in every now and then. I read it's good to write because it helps to reduce the over thinking, the feeling of lost, that suicidal feeling you know. There are more stories on this which I'll share in the future.
It's now November and a lot of things have happened this past few months. Looking back at all the photos for the past 29 years I have lived, really brings me back to the memory lane. I tried to be the person whom I was before, the randomness of doing things, the shy innocent kid that I'm used to be back then, the one that do random act of kindness and trust others as innocent as a child can be. But that was all in the past, before I'm tainted by this so called thing called "life". We met people along the way that helps us to grow either through painful experience or good memories.
I have been working for the past 8 years non-stop, supporting my family, looking at my siblings growing and now married. My little brother and sister are all grown up now; this really makes me think in a way, is my role as a brother/father done now? For as long as I remember, my father was always not around during my childhood time. We never talked properly and he was always quite most of the time, my parents fought quite a lot as I grow up. He was alcoholic and a gambler which makes things worst. I remember all those nights he came back with that alcohol and tobacco smell. He wasn't like this when I was younger. When my younger sister was born, he became more irresponsible towards us. I still remember the day, he sent me to the kindergarten and I was crying the whole time that he had waited for me patiently. But that was all in the past, since I was 6 years old, he live as if we are non-existent to him. My three older brothers and sister are the place where I crave for love as my mom was busy working trying to feed and ensure we have enough to live by. But that story is for another day.
This is probably one of the many reasons, why I'm looking for that one perfect love story. But I know that is just a fantasy for me to dream about. The insecurity that I felt when I was younger and as I have been broken down by a lot of people, sometimes makes me wonder if there is truly someone you can trust in this world. I still remember when I was young, I have another mother, she adopted me sometime ago but somehow i can't recall much about it. As well as when or why she stops seeing me anymore. She was always there in my photos when I was really young before I start kindergarten. I remember I have always run to her whenever she came to visit before my younger sister is born. I would run up to her and sit on her lap, telling stories and so on. I still have her picture holding me when I was young and still kept it. Well, this is just me reminiscing back some memories of the past.
8 years is a long time to work and I started working since I am 21 years old. exactly after finishing up my Diploma. I do quite a bit of random jobs every now and then before I started working as a company man. The longer I work, the duller I felt. It's not that I hate the company or anything. The company is great and I have learned, met and experienced a lot of stuff there. It's just that I don't have any room to grow there. I worked because I had to take care of my family and after my parents divorce things just get harder. The pay was good enough to support my family for all these years. Honestly, I could have been like any other people enjoying themselves with what they earn but for me, I can't be that selfish. I always have to think about others, putting them before myself, have always been that way. But now, I think I'm almost at the end of the road. Everyone is happy now and I can start pursuing my dreams.
I have this small wish I hope I will able to have, I just want to be happy living my life to the fullest and shared it with someone that loved me unconditionally. Someone who can be kind to others no matter what is their story. Someone who knows me as who I am and able to accept the lacking part of me. But who knows what going to happen soon ; So to the future me, 10 years from now, if you are reading this again, be proud of what you have done and sacrifice, InsyaAllah all is going to be well for you.
;
A picture of me and my second mom
It's now November and a lot of things have happened this past few months. Looking back at all the photos for the past 29 years I have lived, really brings me back to the memory lane. I tried to be the person whom I was before, the randomness of doing things, the shy innocent kid that I'm used to be back then, the one that do random act of kindness and trust others as innocent as a child can be. But that was all in the past, before I'm tainted by this so called thing called "life". We met people along the way that helps us to grow either through painful experience or good memories.
I have been working for the past 8 years non-stop, supporting my family, looking at my siblings growing and now married. My little brother and sister are all grown up now; this really makes me think in a way, is my role as a brother/father done now? For as long as I remember, my father was always not around during my childhood time. We never talked properly and he was always quite most of the time, my parents fought quite a lot as I grow up. He was alcoholic and a gambler which makes things worst. I remember all those nights he came back with that alcohol and tobacco smell. He wasn't like this when I was younger. When my younger sister was born, he became more irresponsible towards us. I still remember the day, he sent me to the kindergarten and I was crying the whole time that he had waited for me patiently. But that was all in the past, since I was 6 years old, he live as if we are non-existent to him. My three older brothers and sister are the place where I crave for love as my mom was busy working trying to feed and ensure we have enough to live by. But that story is for another day.
This is probably one of the many reasons, why I'm looking for that one perfect love story. But I know that is just a fantasy for me to dream about. The insecurity that I felt when I was younger and as I have been broken down by a lot of people, sometimes makes me wonder if there is truly someone you can trust in this world. I still remember when I was young, I have another mother, she adopted me sometime ago but somehow i can't recall much about it. As well as when or why she stops seeing me anymore. She was always there in my photos when I was really young before I start kindergarten. I remember I have always run to her whenever she came to visit before my younger sister is born. I would run up to her and sit on her lap, telling stories and so on. I still have her picture holding me when I was young and still kept it. Well, this is just me reminiscing back some memories of the past.
8 years is a long time to work and I started working since I am 21 years old. exactly after finishing up my Diploma. I do quite a bit of random jobs every now and then before I started working as a company man. The longer I work, the duller I felt. It's not that I hate the company or anything. The company is great and I have learned, met and experienced a lot of stuff there. It's just that I don't have any room to grow there. I worked because I had to take care of my family and after my parents divorce things just get harder. The pay was good enough to support my family for all these years. Honestly, I could have been like any other people enjoying themselves with what they earn but for me, I can't be that selfish. I always have to think about others, putting them before myself, have always been that way. But now, I think I'm almost at the end of the road. Everyone is happy now and I can start pursuing my dreams.
I have this small wish I hope I will able to have, I just want to be happy living my life to the fullest and shared it with someone that loved me unconditionally. Someone who can be kind to others no matter what is their story. Someone who knows me as who I am and able to accept the lacking part of me. But who knows what going to happen soon ; So to the future me, 10 years from now, if you are reading this again, be proud of what you have done and sacrifice, InsyaAllah all is going to be well for you.
;
A picture of me and my second mom
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