My thoughts about 2019

Honestly, right now I don't feel much happening inside. I guess when u had that same pain over and over again as the year goes by, you will end up feeling nothing. I do get mad, I do get upset but at the end of the day, my conscious inside always tell me that this is nothing. I think I have been sabotaging my own happiness unconsciously throughout the years. I am someone who can easily fall in love with someone and this is what most of my close friends said about me. Probably the longing feeling of attachment toward others make me feel this way. But for me, now I would still prefer a quiet time at home, then hanging out with anyone. But that doesn't mean, I don't enjoy them, I do, it's just that as you grew older, your circle of friends changes through time. Some got married, some have kids, move to another place and etc. You still keep in touch with them but its not the same as before. You won't simply share things with them anymore because deep inside, you know that they have their own commitments and issues to handle. One of my closest friend got married this year and I can feel the gap growing. Yes, I do meet up with new people quite often due to my nature of work but our friendship over 8-10 years is not something you can simply walkover. He was one of the few that I would pour my heart out too on every heartbreak, love or simply being my wing man when I'm in needs.

I have a few people that I would throw my life, time and money for them because of their ingenuity towards our friendship. It might sounds crazy, some of my friends did save my life a few times, from drowning, lost in the jungle, chased by dogs and also suicide. I have been through quite a lot for this 20 plus years. Every time you meet up with someone new, you fall for them, you learn about them, you pour your heart for them and in the ends got betrayed by them. But I don't blame them. It's partly my fault for expecting them too much. As the saying goes, why people suffer falling in love, its because they believe, they deserve the love that they suffered for. People might think this is just some crazy shit but believe me that's how life are.

My heart can go to icy cold in just a blink of an eye if I got betrayed by anyone. It's not easy to trust anyone anymore but I still gave them the most that I could because I know deep inside that people have their own circumstances to go through. That's why we have to keep being kind to others no matter how bad or a mess we are. I am always conflicting inside to find that perfect one or to accept what I have encounter through my life. The more I wonder, the more conflicted I am. I love having some deep talk conversation at night. Taking photos or videos of the person I am in love with. Doing creative or artistic stuff or even as simple as enjoying a quiet weekend reading books or enjoying movie. I have an old soul but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate the adventures out there.

Some of the things that I have done this year:

1. Climbed Mt. Rinjani the year before and regretted the whole year not reaching the summit

2. Group cycling around the island at midnight in Lombok

3. Sky Diving Tandem at Melbourne

4. Road trip with a caravan on the Great Ocean Road

5. Get lost in the street of a big city of Bogor

6. Writing poetry while star gazing in a foreign place

7. Meeting old retired guys and having coffee with them
8. Climbed Mt. Kinabalu and reached the last checkpoint but unable to reach summit due to the weather
9. Falling in love with someone, confessed, dated, breakup and falling for her again

Honestly, its been one hectic ride this year. The only thing I regret was how impatient I was with her before. I haven't felt like this for someone for a long long time. I believe she needs more time and I know she's going to open up but I wouldn't know to whom and when. I am sincerely falling for you.


It's a wrap for 2019. Let's kick start 2020 and let the 30s goal begin.